I got the kick in the pants that I needed and I quit being such a baby. You know what, I deserve to be in this relationship. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated with respect.

So I spoke my piece and of course it wasn't received with much adoration and excitement but we worked at it and we talked it through. I made three points and we worked out resolutions to two of them. The third point is sticky but we're going to work on it. Either he'll change his behavior or I'll change my expectations or we'll meet somewhere in between because hell if I'm walking away from this relationship and he's not going anywhere either.

It wasn't easy. Man, if you were within hearing range, you knew how hard it was. But a couple things got me through it:

1. Tuesday night, after fighting all day and not speaking when we got home, he didn't pull his hand away when I put my hand in his as we slept.

2. Wednesday morning, when I had a nightmare, he woke me up and was concerned and sweet.

3. I Corinthians gave me some much needed guidance on how I should act towards J.

4. We both worked from home yesterday and I got to treat him with kindness.

5. The confidence helped so much when I demanded a hug yesterday and I told him that we're going to be ok. We're going to get through this. Usually, I ask him if we're going to make it. This time, you know what, fuck it. Yes. We're going to get through this. I'm not relying on him to make that decision. I'm making it for myself. And it feels really, really good.

Another good thing has come from all of this, too. I know more about him, about his expectations and needs. And I'm going to work hard to meet those expectations and needs.

Insecurity

I've got this post swimming, meandering through my head. It hasn't all come together but it might never so here goes:

When I first started dating J, you all saw how insecure I was. How I worried about Every. Little. Thing. and What It All Meant. Did he love me? Should I ask him to move in? Was he serious about getting married? And oh my gosh, I'm meeting the family!

It's been a little over a year now and on most days, I feel secure. Fully snug like a bug tucked in my warm bed with flannel sheets and blankets up around my chin. But there are days here and there when I'm not so sure. There are days when I think, why didn't he invite me to that party? Why did he want to stay in and play Scrabble instead of going out with me? Why does it seem like he has more fun with his friends than he has with me? Is he bored with me? Why was he so quiet last night? Why can't he sleep at night? The questions pound in my head - BOOM BOOM BOOM. They build up till I'm so unhappy that I'm picking fights with him in my mind, picturing him cancelling our plans, imagining him saying something insensitive. He never does. I let the pressure, the insanity, the insecurity build until I'm a puddle of tears slamming the door and starting the drive to Milwaukee to Just. Get. Away. There's nowhere to go. All I want is to be with him and I find it so hard. He doesn't get it. Or so he says. He explains why he didn't invite me, encourages me to come up with better date ideas, promises he'll do whatever I want to do, says he just wants to make me happy.

I believe him. I really do. I don't understand myself and God love him for putting up with my drama. Can I blame hormones? I don't know what else to blame other than this:

I can't understand how I possibly got so lucky as to be with him. I don't think any person can ever deserve to be as happy as I am with him. I can't imagine this will last and I've got it in a strangle hold trying to keep it here. I'm holding on so tight and sometimes I get tired. Tired of imagining the worst case scenarios. Tired of fighting battles in my head. Tired of wondering whether every little perceived slight was intentional.

Most days, I know with all my soul that he loves me. There are days, though, when I just don't know. I feel like something's off but he's not telling me. I push and I try to get it out of him but...he clams up. And I never know when to push harder and when to walk away so I give him his space and I go back to my corner and the thoughts creep up on me again and then I find myself crying and telling him that I just want to be with him and what the fuck is the problem? Why didn't you invite me to the party? And he comforts me and tells me why and it all makes sense and I feel so much better until he tells me that I have to stop being so insecure. If he only knew how far I've come.

Everyday I hope that I'll gain the confidence to release my grip knowing that he'll stay with me. And everyday, I worry that he'll notice how tightly I've got my fingers wrapped around the hood of his sweatshirt, holding him near me, and he'll resent it and fight it and leave. That's the worst possible scenario in all of this.

I feel lucky

Dear Idaho,

There was fighting and tears and at the end of it all, I felt so lucky to be with J. He's wonderful and supportive and he hugs me when I need it and he made such good points and I love him.

That's all.

S

J and My Folks

Dear Idaho,

This weekend I got sick and J took care of me. I think I would've died if he hadn't been there. Not literally but it would've been so much worse. There was no way I could've obtained Aleve on my own and I would've had a much worse headache and not been able to sleep. J got me Aleve, which helped my headache and let me sleep. That made such a big difference. He was sweet and gentle and tender and so obviously worried about me. He took away any thoughts of anything else and let me simply concentrate on getting better. He also forgave me for giving him shit last week and wrote it off as me being sick. Thank goodness. I love him.

My parents were in a snow related car accident this weekend and thank God they were ok. Just hearing about this accident scares the crap out of me so I'm really thankful they're alright.

I'm also happy I got to see J's family this weekend! They're terrific. I had such a good time with everyone. They make me feel so welcome and they're so laid back and friendly. Despite being sick, this was actually a really good weekend.

-S

I feel lucky!

Dear Idaho,

I feel lucky. I get to wake up next to J every morning. I get to fall asleep with his arms around me, feeling him push my hair off my face, kissing my forehead so gently. I can't describe how peaceful that is.

With knee surgery coming up, he's been amazing. He's going to work from home so he can take care of me. He's coming with me to the hospital and waiting there while I get the surgery. And he's already telling me what I can and can't do: no cooking classes for two weeks. And no canoe race 5 days after surgery! I still really want to do that but he says we need to discuss it. Which sounds like a resounding "NO". We'll see....

Last night, I came home from volleyball a little pissed. He didn't realize it and was giving me a hard time but the minute he saw that I was mad about our game, he took it all back. What a zweetheart!

And when I thought that I had to host the bookclub, which means dinner for 10!, at the last minute, he was so helpful. He offered to help straighten up the house and suggested that he stop at Costco to get a tray of food pre-made. He's so thoughtful and he takes such good care of me.

Aside from the fact that he gave up sex for Lent!, I feel lucky to be with him every day.

-S