Insecurity
I've got this post swimming, meandering through my head. It hasn't all come together but it might never so here goes:
When I first started dating J, you all saw how insecure I was. How I worried about Every. Little. Thing. and What It All Meant. Did he love me? Should I ask him to move in? Was he serious about getting married? And oh my gosh, I'm meeting the family!
It's been a little over a year now and on most days, I feel secure. Fully snug like a bug tucked in my warm bed with flannel sheets and blankets up around my chin. But there are days here and there when I'm not so sure. There are days when I think, why didn't he invite me to that party? Why did he want to stay in and play Scrabble instead of going out with me? Why does it seem like he has more fun with his friends than he has with me? Is he bored with me? Why was he so quiet last night? Why can't he sleep at night? The questions pound in my head - BOOM BOOM BOOM. They build up till I'm so unhappy that I'm picking fights with him in my mind, picturing him cancelling our plans, imagining him saying something insensitive. He never does. I let the pressure, the insanity, the insecurity build until I'm a puddle of tears slamming the door and starting the drive to Milwaukee to Just. Get. Away. There's nowhere to go. All I want is to be with him and I find it so hard. He doesn't get it. Or so he says. He explains why he didn't invite me, encourages me to come up with better date ideas, promises he'll do whatever I want to do, says he just wants to make me happy.
I believe him. I really do. I don't understand myself and God love him for putting up with my drama. Can I blame hormones? I don't know what else to blame other than this:
I can't understand how I possibly got so lucky as to be with him. I don't think any person can ever deserve to be as happy as I am with him. I can't imagine this will last and I've got it in a strangle hold trying to keep it here. I'm holding on so tight and sometimes I get tired. Tired of imagining the worst case scenarios. Tired of fighting battles in my head. Tired of wondering whether every little perceived slight was intentional.
Most days, I know with all my soul that he loves me. There are days, though, when I just don't know. I feel like something's off but he's not telling me. I push and I try to get it out of him but...he clams up. And I never know when to push harder and when to walk away so I give him his space and I go back to my corner and the thoughts creep up on me again and then I find myself crying and telling him that I just want to be with him and what the fuck is the problem? Why didn't you invite me to the party? And he comforts me and tells me why and it all makes sense and I feel so much better until he tells me that I have to stop being so insecure. If he only knew how far I've come.
Everyday I hope that I'll gain the confidence to release my grip knowing that he'll stay with me. And everyday, I worry that he'll notice how tightly I've got my fingers wrapped around the hood of his sweatshirt, holding him near me, and he'll resent it and fight it and leave. That's the worst possible scenario in all of this.
When I first started dating J, you all saw how insecure I was. How I worried about Every. Little. Thing. and What It All Meant. Did he love me? Should I ask him to move in? Was he serious about getting married? And oh my gosh, I'm meeting the family!
It's been a little over a year now and on most days, I feel secure. Fully snug like a bug tucked in my warm bed with flannel sheets and blankets up around my chin. But there are days here and there when I'm not so sure. There are days when I think, why didn't he invite me to that party? Why did he want to stay in and play Scrabble instead of going out with me? Why does it seem like he has more fun with his friends than he has with me? Is he bored with me? Why was he so quiet last night? Why can't he sleep at night? The questions pound in my head - BOOM BOOM BOOM. They build up till I'm so unhappy that I'm picking fights with him in my mind, picturing him cancelling our plans, imagining him saying something insensitive. He never does. I let the pressure, the insanity, the insecurity build until I'm a puddle of tears slamming the door and starting the drive to Milwaukee to Just. Get. Away. There's nowhere to go. All I want is to be with him and I find it so hard. He doesn't get it. Or so he says. He explains why he didn't invite me, encourages me to come up with better date ideas, promises he'll do whatever I want to do, says he just wants to make me happy.
I believe him. I really do. I don't understand myself and God love him for putting up with my drama. Can I blame hormones? I don't know what else to blame other than this:
I can't understand how I possibly got so lucky as to be with him. I don't think any person can ever deserve to be as happy as I am with him. I can't imagine this will last and I've got it in a strangle hold trying to keep it here. I'm holding on so tight and sometimes I get tired. Tired of imagining the worst case scenarios. Tired of fighting battles in my head. Tired of wondering whether every little perceived slight was intentional.
Most days, I know with all my soul that he loves me. There are days, though, when I just don't know. I feel like something's off but he's not telling me. I push and I try to get it out of him but...he clams up. And I never know when to push harder and when to walk away so I give him his space and I go back to my corner and the thoughts creep up on me again and then I find myself crying and telling him that I just want to be with him and what the fuck is the problem? Why didn't you invite me to the party? And he comforts me and tells me why and it all makes sense and I feel so much better until he tells me that I have to stop being so insecure. If he only knew how far I've come.
Everyday I hope that I'll gain the confidence to release my grip knowing that he'll stay with me. And everyday, I worry that he'll notice how tightly I've got my fingers wrapped around the hood of his sweatshirt, holding him near me, and he'll resent it and fight it and leave. That's the worst possible scenario in all of this.
posted by Violet at 2:32 PM
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